I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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