I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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