ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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