i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
We were destined to go to rehab together
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Randomize
