i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
