Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
