Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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