I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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