walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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