i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
