HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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