The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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