Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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