Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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