this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
