We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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