Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
