My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
