maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
