omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
