I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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