Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
