didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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