Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
