did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
