My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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