Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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