i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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