My first STD was from a foam party
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
