so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
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