I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
