I hate your face
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize