Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Randomize
