There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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