Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
