I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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