Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
