he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
don't judge my taste in strippers
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
