I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
