every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
