I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize