I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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