apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
