Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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