I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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