went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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