We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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