My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We just shotgunned beers for America
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
