dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Randomize
