You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
