i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize