my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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