Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
