I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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