he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
