he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
