At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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