Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
