According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
My balls are so social today.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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