wakey wakey hands off snakey
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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