She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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