Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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