what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
